Why it’s hard to say goodbye- understanding grief and loss. Thoughts from a grief therapist
Grief comes in different forms for different losses.
In the last two days I’ve had to say goodbye to two people for extremely different reasons, and I cried for both, as they were both a loss, albeit different types of loss.
My cousin’s partner of 40-plus years died yesterday, and while we weren’t super close, I really liked him, and I know he really liked me (and my husband of the last 7 years). He’d been sick for a long time, and I know he’s no longer suffering, but the goodbyes are hard on those of us left behind.
And today I said goodbye to a therapy client I’ve worked with for 5 years. It’s a “good” goodbye. He’s moving on in life and is in a healthy, happy place, but I still teared up (as did he).
Saying goodbye to people, or things, or places that we’re attached to is hard. They each have a unique place in our hearts and it’s ok, dare I say “normal”, to be sad when someone leaves our life, or when we have to leave a place we love.
Why is it hard?
There are many different reasons why dealing with loss is hard, regardless of what kind of loss it is. We’ll explore a few here.
One reason is that when you feel attached to something, it feels like it’s a part of you. Whether it’s a person, place, pet, etc. I’m an LA Girl through and through. When I moved to NJ, even though I took my “LA-ness” with me (yes, the minute you hear me talk you know I’m from LA), I missed that place that I identified with. It was a part of me, but it wasn’t there anymore.
Another reason loss is hard is that you can’t imagine what life will be like without your loved one. When my mom was dying I could not imagine a world in which I didn’t have her in my life. And that grief stays with me, even years later, although to a lesser degree. I got married without her there. The idea she wouldn’t meet my husband or be at my wedding was unimaginable to me, and as painful as it was, I was able to do it, and to experience the joy in it, along with the pain. I’ve been able to create a life that doesn’t include her, but at the time that she was dying, I couldn’t imagine what that would look like. And yes, there is often a mom-sized whole in it, but there are also things in it that didn’t exist in the life I had when she was alive, like my husband, and that changes the shape of my life too.
Sometimes loss feels like a failure. Losing a job or getting a divorce. You might have tried your best to succeed at what you were doing, but in the end, it didn’t work, and that often leaves you feeling like you failed.
What can you do to help you cope with the feelings that come grief and loss?
Acknowledge your pain and know that it’s a universal feeling. Everyone feels grief. You don’t have to tough it out or be ok all the time. Although everyone feels grief, it can look different from one person to the next, or within yourself it can feel different from one moment to the next, and that’s all OK. Grief can take the form of sadness, anger, withdrawal, numbness, or feeling flooded with emotions, and guilt, just to name a few.
Don’t compare yourself to others. There’s no right or wrong way to feel, and there’s no universal timeline of when you should be ready to do things or feel better. Everyone’s journey of grief is unique to them. It’s like trying on a pair of jeans in the wrong size. They don’t fit you because they weren’t made for you. Your journey is your own, and it’s just the right one for you.
Make sure you’re taking care of your needs. Eating, sleeping, exercising. Having a routine helps. When grief leans towards depression it’s easy to get sucked into a negative cycle of feeling depressed, not wanting to do anything, and not doing anything leads to stronger feelings of depression. It may feel like it takes superhuman strength to take shower, or eat a meal, but do it anyway. You’ll feel better once you do.
Connect with people who care about you, and who you feel comfortable with. Grief can feel lonely, and it helps to connect with others. Reach out and let people know what you need. Sometimes people worry that they’ll be a burden to others when talking about their grief, and often others don’t know what to say to be comforting. It’s ok to reach out and ask a friend if it’s a good time to talk and let them know it’s helpful just to have them listen. Consider connecting with others who are grieving in a support group. There’s tremendous comfort in knowing you’re not alone in what you’re going through. You can also reach out to a therapist for help. Look for a therapist trained in working with grief and interview them to see if it feels like a good fit for you.
To learn more about working with me and getting support for your grief or loss feel free to schedule a free 20-minute consultation at www.restorativecounselingcenter.org
