Why Moms (And Busy Non-Moms!) Deserve A Break, And How To Appreciate Yourself

Most of us think that we deserve a break when we’ve been “productive”, in the traditional sense, but what if that’s not the only reason (or even the main reason) why you deserve a break?  I want to explore with you the idea that you deserve a break because of who you are, and all the non-traditional things that you do that are often not counted as being productive.

Earlier this year, I joined Yaffi Lvova of Babybloomnutrition.com to talk about how we, as parents, can value ourselves and why/how to take a break. Join me in watching this chat on the YouTube video here.

Productivity: Thoughts from a Parenting Coach

I have been asked a question about how to qualify or quantify your worth outside of counting how many dishes you’ve washed. I think that's really important. Nobody, hopefully, is getting their self-worth out of how many dishes they're washing. 

Let’s look at productivity from a values-based lens:

Step One: Identity the important roles you are in as a parent, spouse, co-worker, friend, etc.

The first step in trying to figure out why you deserve a break, and how to appreciate yourself is to take a step back and figure out why you're valuable. I want you to think about what your values are first of all, just as a person, and then your values in your different roles. 

So are you a spouse? Are you a parent? Are you an employee? Are you an employer? What are those values in all those different areas? For today we’ll focus on your role of being a parent. 

Step Two: Identify your values within each role

The next thing I want you to think about is how you describe or list your values. As a parent, my guess is, if you were to make a list of your values, being an incredible dishwasher is probably not at the top.

So what are your they? Some pretty common values are that you value being loving and caring, being able to be a good listener, being able to teach your children right from wrong, to be able to provide them with a healthy, happy, stable home. Providing your family with healthy food, etc…

Step Three: What are some examples of how you bring those values to life every day?

What are the concrete things that you're doing based on those values?

Maybe for some people, having a clean house is a value. But I would really challenge you to think about why. Let’s take having a clean house as an example of a value. Why is it important for you to have a clean house? I once lived with a roommate who said to me that when she cleaned the house, it was like cleaning out the cobwebs in her mind. So for her, it was important to have a clean house for her own sanity. Other people have a higher mess tolerance. So maybe it's not important for them personally to have a clean house, but they worry that people are going to judge them for not having a clean house. So I would challenge you to consider if having a clean house is on the list of your values. Why? Is it because it helps you feel calm and relaxed, knowing you're providing a healthy, happy structure for your family? Or is it really that you're concerned about what someone's going to think when they come by or drop off their kid for a play date? 

Let’s take another example. As a  parent, most of us want to provide our kids with a loving home, environment, and relationship.  And how do we do that? While everybody does that a little bit differently, I want you to think about what it means to provide a loving, healthy, safe environment for your kids. And how do you achieve that? And that's where the productivity focus comes in. It’s not about how many dishes you've done and therefore you get your self-worth, and therefore you can take a break. But what are you doing to create your ultimate product? And I would say your ultimate product is, for most of us anyway, a happy, healthy, thriving family, children, and marriage. So what are you doing every day that's going to contribute to that? And it's probably not the dishes. 

Did you stop what you are doing for a second to listen to your kid who came home really excited with a new story from camp? Or did you read them a book, or teach them to tie their shoe? Or did you tolerate your teen rolling their eyes at you for the umpteenth time this week and sucked it up and didn't lose it on them? What are you doing to provide your family with a healthy structured, solid, stable, and safe environment? 

Step Four: Make a “ta-done” list for your family, or yourself

I want you to write things down, and make a list so that you can see, objectively, all that you’re doing.  I want you to write something down every day, at least three things that you did that helped you achieve your goal of creating your product of a healthy, happy, child, spouse, or marriage environment. 

The same goes for work, too. That might be a little more of an actual product. Did you do something that’s been on your to-do list? Great! Create a “ta-done” list!  Write down the things you recognize that you’ve done that you value. It doesn't have to be something that someone else notices, but I want you to start to notice what you're doing and see how many times a day you actually do things that are working towards that product that you want to create. Did you surprise your spouse with a nice meal at the end of the day because they were working? Or did you, and this is where the taking a break comes in,  give yourself a break so that you weren't completely cranky by the time your spouse came home and ripped them a new one for leaving their socks on the floor?

Step Five: Do a Values Balance Audit to Assess Your Self-Care Strategies

Go back over the things you expect of yourself each week that has previously determined for you if you “deserve a break” and reassess.  Are the things on that list, on the list you’ve created through this exercise?

Balance is everything. If you're going to push yourself over your limits to clean your house to a standard that is maybe above your values anyway, then maybe just check your values and take it back a step and incorporate a break rather than making your house unbelievably clean, which in the last five minutes anyway, right?

Notice what you do daily to bring your values to life.  What are you doing that's aligned with your values? Were you able to read your child a book instead of making another side dish? It's about give and take. Nobody can do everything.  I think that's a huge myth that you can have it all. You can, but you'd probably be dead in the process. You wouldn't come out like a whole, sane person. So hopefully your sanity is also somewhere on that list of values. 

If you don’t take care of yourself (appreciation, breaks, etc), you won’t have the energy to do the things you know are aligned with your values

So what do you need to do to help yourself take care of yourself so that you can then do all the things that you want to do that help you meet your values and help you live a life that you're satisfied with, that you're proud of, that you're happy with, no matter what your living room looks like? 

This is why taking a break is really important. We all need it. We're all tired. We all get burnt out. And having someone demand all of our attention all the time, whether it's our kid, our spouse, or an employer, is exhausting. Just that in and of itself is really exhausting. 

How do you know what kind of break you need?
Steps from a Parenting Coach in Los Angeles, CA

Step One: Think about what recharges you.

What sparks joy for you? What brings you calm and comfort? Here's another list I want you to write. If you’re like my roommate who loves to clean the house to feel calm, more power to you. But that's probably not a lot of us. it's definitely not me! 

Step Two: Identify the obstacles and find workarounds.

You’re busy and it’s hard to fit relaxation into your schedule.  I get that, so let’s think outside the box. What can you do when the kids go down for a nap? Can you also take a nap? Maybe taking a nap is ultimately more helpful to you and your family than cleaning the kitchen. If you’re refreshed after a nap you might not yell at your kids, or be cranky with your spouse when they come home, and ultimately, that leads you to produce your valued product- a happy family.

What are some other things you can do? Can you go outside in the backyard and let your kids run around in a safe, supervised environment but read a book while they're running around? Can you share supervision with another parent? Can you take their kids for some time, and they take your kids for some time so that you each get a break?

I'm a firm believer that if you can afford to pay for help, pay for it in whatever form that looks like. Whether it's dropping off laundry at a fluff and fold, whether it's being able to hire a babysitter once a week so that you can go out, whether it's being able to hire a housekeeper to come and do the dishes for you, whether it's spending a little more to get cut up vegetables or cut up fruits so that saves you time and meal prep wherever you can fit that into your budget. It's so important that you give yourself that extra little luxury because it's really going to help save your sanity. 

Step Three: Generate a list of restorative ideas

Make a list of the creative ways you can give yourself a break even with all the demands on your time and attention.

To me, nature is really restorative. So even if you live in a city, can you drive to a park? Can you drive to a hilltop? Can you drive to a beach? Can you drive somewhere where you can get out in nature for a little while and just take some deep breaths? There are lots of little things you can do throughout the day, even when your kids are running around and making a whole mess in your house. You can stop for 30 seconds and take a deep breath, or you can stop for 30 seconds and think of your favorite song and sing it in your head. You can stop for 30 seconds and say mom is taking a time out, and I'll be right back. It’s also modeling how to appropriately handle anxiety and stress for your kids.

Make a list of things you enjoy doing. I have been advising pregnant or pre-pregnant couples for a while to make one of those lists, because when motherhood hits you, sometimes you just lose track of those things. And if you have ten minutes and you can't think of anything that would make you happy,  having a physical list for those moments is helpful. You can look at it and say, oh, you know what? I really loved doing those dance videos on YouTube. 

Michael Twitty once said that you need to remember that when you enter the room, you enter with your worth. You bring it with you. You don't enter the room to earn your worth or to prove anything. Your value comes with you.

I think it's really important that we all take an honest accounting of our values and accept the fact that we're not all going to look the same. We're not all going to do the same things. We're going to do what we know works for us, what matters for us, and that's okay. They don't need to be the same. 

You can appreciate yourself for all that you do, and you deserve a break for all of that! If you need help finding this time, space or “permission” to take time for yourself, consider counseling for parents or therapy for moms in Los Angeles, CA. As an expert parenting coach, I can also help you wherever you are in the state with online therapy in California.

I’d also love to hear from you and get this discussion started. Share one thing in the comments that you can give yourself credit for doing this week, that is in line with your values, and share with us WHY it aligns with what really matters to you!

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